The pain will not last forever.
As I sit here alone, in the predawn hours, listening to the tiny-delicate raindrops pattering on the trees outside my window, I wonder how I came to be in this place in my life...alone, uncertain, and more than a little sad.
Last year, together with our son, my husband and I began this new adventure to move to Washington with such optimism and hope. We were shedding the pain of our pasts and looking forward to new memories, new friends, and a whole new life together. We thought we were bettering our home situation for the benefit of our children and our marriage…we never saw it coming…
A health crisis that we never could have foreseen disrupted our lives. Where there was once joy and shining-optimism…now lingered fear and uncertainty.
My husband has always been my rock, my best friend, my muse. He is the one that made it possible for me to write about true and unwavering love, undying passion, and souls so beautifully intertwined there is no doubt that they were made for eachother. It was easy to write about it, because I have experienced it in the arms of my own soulmate, my Scotty.
The severity of the situation shook us to our very core. I still feel the rising panic, every day at about the same time in the evening that our nightmare began on that cold December night. He was in the hospital for some time after that…now long lonely nights are pure torture because it takes me back to that time over and over again.
I am so very grateful that the love of my life survived. He is doing everything he can to get healthy again and that means the world to me, but I still cannot shake this underlying fear that our world will come crashing back down around us all over again. Can he survive another setback, can we heal and find our way back to each other? I truly hope so.
In the meantime, it has been impossible for me to finish writing Argent Myst: Ashes to Ashes. My books are already so tragic as writing them was my coping tool throughout my entire life. I am uncertain if I should use my pain to finish the third book…or is it too dark?
Our pain already chased all of our new friends away. Who could blame them, we had only known them for a short time before disaster struck…I would be leery of me as well I suppose… So is this situation too dark? Too painful to put out there and possibly make others uncomfortable in an effort to heal as I have always done, through writing? Would I be doing my beloved characters a disservice by putting them through this nightmare?
In time, I hope to have the answer to these questions. But for now I am taking other steps to help me find myself again. I’ve taken a less demanding job that will allow me to be myself and hopefully inspire me to finish Ashes to Ashes. I am taking care of my appearance, because when you look good you feel good…or so I’ve been told… I’m making plans with new friends…the ones that showed up when I least expected it, the ones that helped me by showing me compassion…and I am trying so desperately to find that shining optimism once again.
So please do me a favor, wish us luck, pray for my family, or just hold your loved ones closer for me today, while I remind myself that although it feels like life is hopeless at times…the pain won't last forever.